Not My Softest Month

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February was a roller coaster I didn’t sign up for. I thought it was just another month. Just another 28 days to get through. It wasn’t aesthetic in the way people like to post. It was loud in my head and heavy in my chest. I didn’t expect it to shake me the way it did. 

There were days I felt so full of life. Laughing loudly. Feeling present. Feeling like maybe everything is finally aligning. And then there were days where I could barely sit still with my own thoughts. Overthinking everything, replaying conversations, questioning my place in people’s lives more than I ever admitted out loud. I felt like I was falling. Not gracefully, but all at once. 

February was the month I fell the hardest. The month I reached out the most. I am used to handling things on my own but February humbled me. I used to being the composed one. The firm one. The one who figures it out eventually. But this month reminded me that even the strongest version of me still needs people. Still needs support. Still needs somewhere to land. I realised I cannot carry everything alone.

I reached out to people. More than I ever have before. And they showed up. In simple conversations. In reassurance I did not know I needed. In calls. And even in person. They probably have no idea how much those moments meant to me. But without them, I genuinely do not know where I would be right now. Thank you, You know who you are.

And then…there’s ⚘.

I won’t pretend ⚘ wasn’t the center of a lot of this.

Somehow, ⚘ became both my brightest joy and my most confusing thought. ⚘ could make my entire day feel light by existing in it. One conversation and I’d be smiling the whole evening. One moment of closeness and I’d feel like the luckiest person alive.

And yet, ⚘ was also the same person could make me sit and think for hours. It’s strange how one person can hold both your happiness and your doubts at the same time. But maybe that’s what caring does. It exposes you.

February humbled me. It stripped me down. It forced me to confront parts of myself I’ve been avoiding. It showed me how intense my heart is. When I’m happy, I’m really happy. When I fall, I fall all the way down. There is no half-version of me. And for a while, I hated that. I wished I was more chill. Less affected. Less emotional. 

February also reminded me that I am capable of surviving my own storms. Even until now, there's a still thoughts I am learning to sit with instead of run from. 

But that's okay. I'm no longer on the floor. No longer at my lowest point. No longer where I was at the beginning of this month.

And that matters.

Maybe healing isn’t about becoming brand new. Maybe it’s about surviving the month that tried to shake you, and choosing to stay anyway.

For now,  I am still here. Still choosing to stay. Still becoming. And that is more than enough.

From a heart that dared,

Syaf Sal

2:00 AM

Beneath the same sky.









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